Lucy's Report on Mrs.Tiger Wood's Melt Down

Don't you just loooooove the press??? They first announced that Tiger Wood's was in SERIOUS condition following a car accident. I thought, how sad. You know Thanksgiving weekend and was he caught up in Holiday travel, although why would he be driving but hey maybe it was a short trip. Then, they (meaning the press) say in another news break that he had the SERIOUS accident backing out of his driveway. Now, I don't know about you but the first thing that went through my mind was "Geez, that guy has got to have a heavy foot or HE was pissed because how the HELL do you have SERIOUS accident backing out of your driveway?" Oh, then the reports just got better and better. They then break through and correct themselves (you know the press getting it wrong, yeah, I know you are shocked) he was NOT in SERIOUS condition and the accident happened at 2:30am. Now, it is getting JUICY!!!

Now, I should clarify with EVERY REPORT THEY STRESSED NO ALCOHOL WAS INVOLVED.

The reporters also stated that Tiger was taken to the hospital because he was going in and out of consciousnesses and his wife had to break open a window with a golf club to help get him out of the car. Tiger supposedly back into a fire hydrant and then pinned the car up against a tree all at 2:30am. ALRIGHTY!!!

Here is Lucy's story:

(you know this story is based loosely on facts but I it is fictitious story)

Mrs. Tiger Wood's found the SOB was cheating on her ass and an argument ensued and the PUSSY decided he would jump in his BUICK and she got his FAVORITE golf club, (you know athletes, they have their lucky ball, club, bat, glove, etc...) and bashed in the Fing window as he was trying to RUN AWAY!!! Then, the idiot went and crashed the car while backing out of the driveway, the cops came and Mrs. Tiger Wood's is thinking you total FUCK UP. Now, the press will be all over this and you better cover my ass because I am not going to be the one looking like a lunatic in this mess. Therefore, if you don't want me to tell the world you can't keep your pants zipped up you better cover the fact that I tried to beat the shit out of the car with your favorite club you fing moron!!!!

Gee, you think I have been married too long??? Even though Mrs. Tiger Wood's can take him to the cleaners sometimes it is just way more therapeutic to just bash in a car window with a FAVORITE GOLF CLUB, men, they just drive you over the edge when they think, well, when they don't think and just follow their body part!!!!

Now, the above version is not based on any facts, you know just like reporters, apparently I could join their field!!! I just want to be clear I have spun my own little tale. Just a tale I was thinking could have happened providing some of the details we have been given but I am making it clear it is a TALE, fictitious. NO FACTS.

I am not trying to slander Tiger Woods or his wife!!! Just having a little fun with an odd story about an a famous athlete. Go to ESPN if you want to find out the latest breaking news on Tiger Woods, if you really want a journalist story.

Sports, Athletics, Commentators and Smack!

How shall I start this little post,hmm. I know with a little background information. I have never really played sports, unless you count softball, in like the fourth grade for the local community center. Yeah, no, I don't count it either. So, I can safely say, "I have never played Sports." Therefore, I will state upfront that I am NO EXPERT. No, first hand experience. I will even explain that SPORTS are something I do not totally enjoy BUT my family on the hand loves to watch all kinds of sports. Unfortunately for me I tend to end up watching way more than I want. Even though I have deemed the living room, Lucy's room and it is suppose to be a NO SPORTS ZONE. See, if I get caught up on the computer (like now, sports goes on the television, like now) Football is especially loved in the home!!! Oh, my gosh we have planned weddings, baptisms and birthday parties all around crucial football games.


Anyways, I tend to not understand all the things that goes into SPORTS. From what I understand these guys, especially in the top sports, Football, basketball, and baseball get paid MILLIONS to play a game. Whatever, the demand is there so they can get what they want since it is all about supply and demand but you know, kind of sad when in society we bitch about paying our doctor bill and yet we cough up the money to go to a game and the tickets are outrageous so the owners can pay the flippin players out the WAZOO. WHATEVER!!!


But, let's not get into all that stuff.

I miss the SMACK. I know, you are shocked!!! But, anymore these commentators have taken all the FUN out of sports. In my day, gee, I feel so old, players talked SMACK. You know, the fun kind of SMACK. It got the two teams fired up. It was kind of fun. Now, commentators are like, "Oh, no, that is wrong and rude, and inappropriate and blah, blah, blah. " C'mon. It is SPORTS!!! Kind of like HOCKEY players beating the shit out of each other.

Athletes like to taunt each other. It is in their competitive nature. Some ribbing is always good. You need that EDGE.

SHUT UP COMMENTATORS. I WISH THOSE GUYS WOULD GET THE BOOT!!! THEY ARE MAKING SPORTS BORING!!!!

I think it is Funny that Ochocinco from the Bengals sent a team DEODORANT. He was teasing them saying they needed the help to cover him. He sent Pepto Bismol to a team because they were going to be sick from lack of covering him. He wanted to send Mustard to the Pittsburgh Steelers, their field is Heinz Field, the coach ordered him not to because the Steelers are difficult enough to beat without inflaming them.

Ochocinco, formerly Chad Johnson, does this all in the athletic sportsmanship of ribbing his opponent, getting everyone fired up for a game. To me, a non-sports person, well, it just sounds like sports to me.

I had to listen to commentators make a big deal about it and go on and on and analyze these little pranks. Just like they analyze every other move these players make!!

I hate COMMENTATORS. They drive me nuts during games, just nuts. Sometimes, I ask my husband to mute the television while the games are on. I ask you sports fans, do you really need the commentators???? Could you watch the game without them??? Some of the stuff they say, wow, I think man, I could do their job and if the game is a blowout, the commentators get worse. They ramble and ramble and ramble.


Oh, well, I prefer the athletic player talking SMACK over listening to a commentator any day, that is pretty sad.

But, mostly, I prefer a good movie over any game any day!!!

Trimming the Tree, Lucy Style

Tree Trimming at Lucy's Home!!!
(Ladder nice touch)

I read all the time about Tree Trimming parties! They sound great!! I imagine Christmas songs, Christmas cookies, eggnog and apple cider (maybe spiked for the adults) and all the fixin's of great Christmas party. Pleasant people hanging lights and ornaments on a tree. Don't you all imagine this?? Oh, you don't imagine that because that is how it works at your house. Gosh, you are so lucky!!!

At My house it is more like this!

See the crates lifting the tree?

See, they didn't get a tree quite tall enough to show in the window. Of course, this set off a bit of an argument. The 10 foot trees were very, very, wide and I guess last year I complained about the tree being too wide. They claim the tree is an 8 foot tree but it didn't quite work in the window so we had to create a stool to add height. Now, I have to figure out a way to cover the lovely stool invention. Of course, I should have recorded the straightening of the tree. You will just have to take my word and believe me when I say we cannot have a tree trimming party. Umm. The tree straightening alone is not for every ones ears!!!

We tend to not focus just on the tree either. Therefore, my house looks like all hell has broken loose and I couldn't even imagine having people over while decorating our tree.

Now, Nathan works on the lights outside and we focus on the inside. Although, the last two years Nathan has been unable to do the tree with us because I never do it this early so he talked us into doing it along with outside lights and all the other decorations and that has added to chaos. I hate chaos. Therefore, in the chaos I try to get one thing set up. Just one nook, so I feel some order!!

My Little Nook!!

Now, the mantle is almost completed!! So, I am feeling a little better AND as you can tell we do try to get some spirit going. Maddie and I always wear our SANTA HAT'S. We go NEW ones this year. Mine SAYS, "Naughty and Nice" and Maddie's says, "I've Been Good" I got the guys "Bah Humbug" Hats. They won't wear them but I still got them hats.

Anyways, we played Christmas music and wore our hats and decorated through the mess and some disagreeing (LOL). We will eventually get the house in order but I am just saying I dream of TREE TRIMMING PARTIES just knowing that no one could ever step foot in my house while decorating was going on. Wouldn't want them to deal with the mess, the fights and the crazy outfits, like my cute PINKROBE with my Hat.

Wii, Woo Hoo!!!

I have two kids. Nathan and Maddie. I no longer have to buy toys for my kids for Christmas. Why? Because, technically I have adult children. My oldest is 21 and my youngest is 18. Now, for the last couple of years my husband has said, "We should just give them money." I have said, "NO!!!" I just hate that, I want them to have gifts to open. Last year I compromised and Nathan got less gifts and we gave him money to even it out. I spend exactly the same amount on each kid. Nathan ended up not liking it. He watched his sister open gift after gift while he just sat there. Anyways, I am not doing that this year.

My other rule is that my kids make a list of what they want but they know they will not get everything on the list. PERIOD. I never ever get them everything on the list. In addition, I get them things not on the list. I believe this is how they learn to appreciate gift giving. You should learn how to appreciate a gift from someone. The person has taken the time to pick out a gift for you. A gift they think you would like and enjoy. They have bought something with you in mind. You say thank you with a smile. I can't stand what my sister-in-law has taught her children.

My sister-in-law gets everything on her children's list and now her two older children go shopping with her and pick stuff out right there with her in the store. My sister-in-law for years called us on birthdays and all gift giving occasions and told us exactly what to buy her children. She now buys the gifts for my mother, brings them to my mom and then my mom wraps the gifts. It drives my mom nuts because she knows the kids know what the gifts are. My mom hates it.
TALK ABOUT SPOILED KIDS. I mean if her kids add something to the list on Christmas Eve she runs around like an idiot and gets the gift. They have everything you can imagine, I mean everything. O.K. I have totally digressed.

So, back to Christmas gifts this year. My husband seems to think the so-called kids want a Wii. Hello, my son doesn't even live with us. And, my daughter will be off to college??? But, my husband wants a Wii, see where this is going???? He is even talking about getting TWO Wii's!!! (you know for my son to take with him to his apartment) I am like, I think NOT!!!


But, then again I saw it on QVC today and they had this Boxing thing on it and I guess you can act like you are a boxer and going up against someone. Woo-HOO!!! I could knock out my mother-in-law, Iron Fist , Mouse and my two Sister-in-laws!!!

Hot diggity dog, maybe we do need to get these Wii things!!!

What do you think???

TM:Thursday-Family Cruelty

TMI: Thursday: Courtesy LiLu from Live It Love It!


***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

This is for all the people who are lonely today. You know not everybody has a big family or a huge Thanksgiving Holiday. Therefore, today can seem long. They have to read a bunch of posts about Thanksgiving and what everyone is doing and eating and hanging with family and friends. Therefore, I am going to try and do a normal TMI:Thursday post. Now, it will have a little Thanksgiving theme in it but mostly just embarrassing crap, per usual!

I am just going to start the post out telling you immediately the punch line. I have serious Bladder Control issues. Yep, I pee my pants all the time. It is just horrible. And, I can't blame this on getting older and having children. Nope, I have always had a problem peeing my pants. I cannot tell you how many 'accidents' I have had in my lifetime.

The problem is that my closest and dearest loved ones get a true kick out of this problem. Many times it seems to be a goal to get Lucy to pee her pants.

This of course was the case when I was a kid growing up with my cousins. They loved to get me to pee my pants. First, it was just funny to them. Second, they knew I would get in trouble and c'mon sometimes it is fun just to get your loved one in trouble. Plus, they loved to hold it over my head. You know, "Lucy, if you don't do this we will make you pee your pants and then you will be in big trouble." Also, I would have to beg my one cousin to borrow her panties whenever we were at her house so that way I would not get in trouble until my mom did the wash and figured it out much later. So, they had a lot of ammunition.

Now, we always had Thanksgiving at my Aunt's house. All four of my cousins were her kids and then there was me. I had other cousins but they were much older. I hung with those four, they were all my age. Anyways, this one Thanksgiving they were down right mean. I mean horrible. They sat on me and tickled me until I peed my pants. Then, they made me BEG for panties. It was pathetic. Of course, they had a blast doing it. I of course have been terribly traumatized by the entire event to this day (lol). I mean it is a Thanksgiving I have always remembered. Just traumatized (LOL)!!

Now, I am sure you all are thinking well, kids will be kids and so what she peed her pants some when she was a kid. Let me clearly explain that this has never gone away.

If I am walking with my husband and he gets me giggling too hard. Well, yep, it will drip down the leg. I will beg him to stop. Many times I squat down on the sidewalk and say "pleas stop before I pee my pants" He gets a huge kick out of this because he knows people driving by or peeking out their windows think I am nuts, you know, hanging out in the squatting position. Or, worse, he will do it while we are shopping and I have to act like I am looking at something on the bottom shelf, or tying my shoe, or getting something off the ground. He loves to torment me. Because if I hang out squatting too long, he starts saying, "What's the problem?" LOUD and he knows damn well what the problem is, MY WEAK BLADDER and him making me laugh!!

Or better yet, the night my husband had to stop the movie we were watching so I could go clean myself up and change because I fell off the couch hit my head on the coffee table and peed my pants because I was laughing so hard. Oh, FYI: we were watching '40 Year Old Virgin' and it was the scene where the girl is driving drunk with Andy (Steve Carell).

Anyways, I am just letting you know I have a serious Bladder Control issue. Once I get laughing, well, a puddle really could ensue, and it is gross! I hate wearing wet panties and I won't wear DEPENDS!!!

New Moon and GROOOSSSSS!!!!!

O.K. here is what I have trouble wrapping my mind around?? And, I would love for my followers who are obsessed to please explain. Now, I understand cult followings. That I have no problem with, I get it. You know 'Harry Potter' and in my time we had 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show'.

Alright, so here is my confusion about this whole Twilight Series thing? Women my age (in there 40's ), older and 30 year olds are obsessed with this phenomenon. Now, why does this confuse me, you ask? Please don't attack me, But, see well, isn't the guy you are lusting after like a teenager? That just grosses me out. I read Twilight. I didn't think it was anything spectactular. I didn't think it was horrible either. But, the characters are High School students, correct? So, I am confused how older women can lust after a High School character, that just kind of grosses me out. Then, if you say, well, he is a Vampire and really Old like our age then isn't that GROSS he is with a High School girl, like wouldn't that make him a PERVERT. See, I just can't suspend my disbelief that much. Or maybe, it is because I have a 21 year old son and it would be like Lusting after my son, now that is GROSS.

But, worse, I mean the Character is in High School and don't we frown on Adults lusting after High School kids. Like, if a teacher were to Lust after her student???

I mean some 30 year old women, hell, some 25 year old women teach and we certainly would have a fit if they lusted after their student, right? See, when I get into a book I get into the character, so I see him as A HIGH SCHOOL VAMPIRE and I just can't lust after a High School Vampire.

O.K. so what am I missing? I am obviously missing a plot point.

Oh, well, I am sure I am over thinking this whole Obsession thing but I just thought it was more appropriate for the High School kids and I am amazed at the Adult women obsessing over it, just amazed.

Pet Peeves, Vol. III

Oh, you know stress brings out, well, EVERYTHING!!

Four Pet Peeves

1. Here is a piece of advice people about ambulances, picture this: An Ambulance heading north is going to drive with north bound traffic NOT jump a huge MEDIAN into SOUTH bound traffic to get where it is going.

Therefore I ask, "WHY THE FUCK did the people in the south bound traffic stop???? "The answer, "Morons, just flipin, morons!!!"

2. Stopping in the round-about. How dangerous and stupid! It is a ROUND A BOUT. You keep going AROUND to keep traffic flowing. Stopping in the ROUND ABOUT defeats the purpose, DAH!!!

3. Telling me the temperature of Sedona, AZ when it is 5:00am AZ time and saying see it is cold there too. Hey dumb ass, it is 5:00 am in the morning. Try checking the weather around noon Sedona time. Sunny and beautiful. In addition, I am not moving there for WARM weather. It does get cool there, never as cold as the Midwest during the day ( at night it gets very cold )but it is sunny, sunny and did I tell you How sunny it is. Plus, it is beautiful. Just a gorgeous place. So, really I am tired of the daily updates of the weather. I want to move there and really don't care about your daily information dumb ass. Also, what is your problem?? Jealous??

4. Technology dependency. I know this is an odd one. I love technology like all of us BUT GOD FORBID something has to be done without technology or you have to do your own thinking. The younger generation seems to have a little trouble with technology disconnect. I guess sometimes YOU have to THINK, go OUTSIDE your software or better yet, sometimes use no technology, GASP! Sometimes it is faster to do something the good old fashion way, just sometimes, like writing with a pencil and paper, yikes, you shudder at the thought! For example tonight I tried to make a hair appointment at 6:45 and a eyebrow and lip waxing at 7:30 BUT the computer wouldn't let the girl because it said it was overlapping and well, it was going to be COMPLICATED. I just skipped the haircut because I didn't want to deal with the COMPLICATED mess. Too bad she couldn't just write it down, tell me I was scheduled, call the hair salon directly and explain everything. See, simple solution. But, it would actually take some thought and no use of technology, well, except the technology of the phone. Oh, well. I ended up getting my waxing done at 5:30pm and skipped the haircut, I will get one in December.